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Relationship expert speaks to SJ community

By Tech. Sgt. Tammie Moore, 4th Fighter Wing Public Affairs / Published May 06, 2010

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SEYMOUR JOHNSON AIR FORCE BASE, N.C. -- A world-renowned author who has become a common stay on the New York Times Best Seller List held a seminar here to share his expertise on relationships with the base community May 3-4.

Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," spoke about the importance of establishing sound communication skills in a relationship. He highlighted love and apology languages, and discussed the importance of understanding, handing and overcoming long-term anger.

Chap. (Lt. Col.) William O'Sullivan, 4th Fighter Wing, met the doctor at a conference a few months ago and later extended him an invite to speak here under the Year of the Air Force Family Program.

"It seems like things just aligned perfectly," Chaplain O'Sullivan said. "This is equivalent to bringing in one of the top five marriage relationship counselors in the world. He is world renowned. This is huge."

More than 230 people pre-registered to hear the author of more than 30 books speak during the two-day seminar.

"I never really intended to get into marriage counseling," he said. "I did not really see myself as going full time into counseling, but it ended up becoming a major part of my ministry. I think there are just so many hurting people. I was hearing a lot of the same things over and over and helping people discover concepts that would help them. I had the feeling if I could write this in a book and leave out all of the psychological terms I could help a lot of people who I would never be able to see in my office. That is what motivated me to start writing."

Throughout the last five years, Dr. Chapman has spoken at several military installations.

"The reason I spend as much time as I can with the military is because of the stress level of military marriages," he said. "The divorce rate among military (members) is much higher than the civilian population. I think there is no question deployments put a huge pressure on a marriage and when you are deployed again and again and you end up spending more time apart than you do together over a three or four year period."

Dr. Chapman recommends families dedicate time to work on strengthening their communications skills before they facce a deployment.

"I think the deepest emotional need we have is the need to feel loved," he said. "And if you are married, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. In fact if you feel loved by your spouse the whole world looks bright."

To help couples create this bright world, Dr. Chapman stresses the five love languages in his books and at his seminars. He believes people receive and process love though one of five primary methods: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service or physical touch.

"If you get the concept down of the five love languages, and that each of you has a different love language, you (can) learn how to speak that language when you are together," he said. "Then when you deploy you can still speak the language long distance."

According to Dr. Chapman the same five love languages apply to children and teenagers.

"Most of us did not grow up knowing how to speak all five languages," he said. "We perhaps learned one or two but the healthiest child is the one who gets heavy doses of the primary and the other four are sprinkled in. If a child feels loved from mom and dad when they are together, (the deployed parent) can communicate with the child long distance in the language of that child."

Dr. Chapman left the SJ community with a challenge.

"My challenge would be to (have) every married couple go to a marriage enrichment event once a year," he said. "When I say marriage enrichment event it may be something that the chaplain's office, Airman & Family Readiness Center or a local church is putting on. I also suggest once a year you read and discuss a book on marriage. If they would do those two things chances are they will keep their marriage growing."
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