Domestic violence victims: you are not alone

  • Published
  • By Airman 1st Class Mariah Tolbert
  • 4th Fighter Wing Public Affairs
SEYMOUR JOHNSON AIR FORCE BASE, N.C. --  Editors note: All names have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

At any one moment in time, the person you love or have known for years could just snap and things can come crashing down. An Airman tells her story about how domestic violence destroyed her marriage and family and how she took her life back.

"One time when I was six months pregnant, we had gotten in an argument about something so silly," said Samantha, an Airman here. "We got in an argument, he pushed me down and he started kicking me in my back. We started fighting, he bit me and I was screaming and I was so scared, not for my life but for my sons life. He wanted our son so bad and he got so upset and I was begging him to stop because he was going to hurt our son. After all that he got up, punched the fridge and ran outside."

Samantha then proceeded to call her supervisor and begged him to come get her. After getting out of the apartment, Samantha talked with her first sergeant and supervisor and had some of her bruises looked at. She had bite marks on her neck, bruises from head to toe and since she was pregnant, she went to the hospital to make sure her baby was okay.

"I remember when we got to the hospital, it took about ten minutes to find [my son's] heart beat and the whole time I was asking myself how [John] could do this to us," Samantha said.

After the first incident, Samantha went to family advocacy and talked with a counselor there. The counselor wanted to get John arrested, however, Samantha did not want to be a single parent of two. Like many victims, she thought it was just a one-time event. She talked with him and went to marriage counseling to try working it out with him.

After their son was born, John deployed. When John returned from his deployment, the next argument happened.

"We got in an argument because I took him to physical training (PT) at 5:30 in the morning, all the way to Jacksonville, [N.C.], and I left him there because I also had PT and had to make it back to Goldsboro," Samantha explained. "He didn't like that so he punched the car and left an angry voicemail that scared me, so I talked with my supervisor about the situation and she suggested that I stay in billeting for the night."

"I went home the next day and cleaned the house up. He came home and he asked me what the issue was, I said nothing and went to bed. We didn't talk until the weekend," Samantha said. "That weekend I was cleaning the house and he was watching TV. I had looked at his phone when I saw he was cheating on me and of course being a mother of two and a wife, I asked 'how could you do this to me.' I ran in my room and locked the door he came running after me, pounded on the door and since the kids were asleep I opened the door and told him to get his stuff and get out of my house. From there we started fighting each other; the house went from being perfectly cleaned to being terrorized."

The neighbors called the cops. When the cops showed up, John had bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed and told the cops that Samantha punched him in the face.

"The cops arrested me in front of my daughter and from that point I knew when I went to jail there was no turning back. I have to do this for my kids," Samantha said. "I picked my daughter up the next day and my daughter looked at me and said 'Mommy, you went to jail because daddy hit you.' For my three- year-old daughter to know what's going on, that was it, because I did not want my daughter to go through what I went through."

From that point, Samantha separated herself from John, went to Family Advocacy on base and filed for divorce. She also talked with Ms. Atkins and Mr. Ellis at Family Advocacy. After two years, the divorce was finalized and Samantha felt relieved. She compared it to a big brick being lifted from her shoulders because she was no longer attached to him in anyway, except their son.

Many women in situations similar to Samantha's do not realize it until the situation gets bad. Like Samantha, many domestic violence victims want their kids to have a mother and father and blame the abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional or physical on small things and make excuses like not cleaning properly or being a bad spouse. However, in the end, the abuse the women go through and that the children see is not worth having both parents together, Samantha said.

Jerome Ellis, the Family Advocacy Outreach Manager, said that statistically, for the average person that is in an abusive relationship, the type of abuse would usually occur seven times before the person realizes they cannot change the situation or the man and gets herself and her children out of the situation.

For Samantha, Family Advocacy was a great help. They provided the support she needed, programs that allowed her to express her feelings and allowed her to talk about what she was going through. They kept her focused on her goals, kept her on the right path and continue to push her forward.

"Sometimes you just have to grow up, take a deep breath, put on that armor and press forward. It's going to be hard but you just have to keep going," Samantha said.

It may be a long, hard road to go down, but between a support system, organizations like Family Advocacy and taking life one step at a time, it becomes easier to look forward and not backwards. Victims of domestic violence are not alone, there are many avenues and people that are willing to help.

October is Spousal Abuse Awareness month. For more information on how to get help or to contact Family Advocacy, call 919- 722-1878.