Grief normal in sad times Published July 21, 2009 By Maj. Mark Mullen and Capt. Shauna Sperry 4th Medical Operations Squadron Mental Health Clinic SEYMOUR JOHNSON AIR FORCE BASE, N.C. -- The recent tragedy this past weekend has a way of sending shock waves throughout the entire Seymour Johnson community and has a way of impacting us personally. Depending on the individual, there could be an initial shock, disbelief or nothing at all. A person may feel numb, angry or sad. Some may cling to those around them while others may seem withdrawn. Grief impacts everyone, but it impacts each person differently. The way in which grief is expressed and the intensity of the feelings depends on several factors. Obviously, those most closely associated with the tragedy are more impacted. Often the manifestation of grief can be more intense with a sudden, unanticipated death. For the individuals directly affected by a tragedy, the immediate task is often to move from one day to the next and, over time, the healing process will begin. For those trying to help and support, the process is often confusing, frustrating and very painful. In our attempts to minimize the pain and make some sense of the grieving process, we tend to look for predictable patterns or a common standard by which to measure and understand our own reactions or the reactions of others. The fact is, there is no "normal" in the grieving process. Each journey through the process is as unique as the individual. However, some commonalties do exist. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, developed the stages of grief and suggested most individuals go through this process. The stages are: - Denial - shock, numb, disbelief - Anger - pain starts to rise, outlet for pain - Bargaining - "What if?" "if only" - Depression - question meaning of life, fear, apathy, sadness, irritable, lonely - Acceptance - coming to terms with loss While these stages are considered "normal" and provide some comfort and understanding to uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, the stages are not necessarily linear and one can move back and forth through the stages, get stuck at a stage or even skip some stages entirely. The bottom line is that there is not a "right" or "normal" way to grieve. Even as professionals we are not the experts on any person's grief. For the helper, the natural and instinctive tendency is to protect a loved one from the pain of going through the process. We often want to distract them from their thoughts, protect them from painful information, never leave them alone or encourage them to "move on." Unfortunately, the healing process cannot and should not be avoided. This does not mean that there is nothing we can do to assist in the process. However, the most helpful attitude is about "being" and "listening" not about "doing" or "directing." Most grievers just want someone to be there with them while they move forward on their own terms. Only by moving through the process of grief do we get to the other side of the process. Most people will eventually move forward in their own time and in their own way. However, some reactions to grief are not considered normal or healthy. Thoughts of suicide, long periods of sleeplessness, appetite problems with a significant change in weight or severe depression, guilt, and worthlessness are signs the individual may need professional help. If you know someone who is struggling with the recent events, the best thing to do is be there with them, listen and share. If you or someone you know needs extra help to get through this, there are many resources on base and in the community that can help. Some of the more familiar helping agencies are the chapel, Airman and Family Readiness Center and Mental Health. These agencies can be reached at: 722-0315, 722-1123, and 722-1883 respectively.